I want to share with you four significant moments in my nursing career. These are moments that were “pivotal” to my career, yet I felt unworthy of the success and accomplishment.
My goal with this isn’t to provide myself with some sort of self therapy by talking about my past . . . on the contrary, I hope that by sharing these experiences you might avoid my fate and find a new sense of joy in your accomplishments and begin to feel proud of what you have done.
It was the first day Spring semester of 2011. My wife and I had just moved across the country for me to begin nursing school. This was the first time I was going to meet my new cohort. The small group of 25 of us were going to go through hell and back again on our journey to RN.
I walked into the small conference room and found an empty chair. Trying to avoid being too obvious I peered around the room trying to “size up” the competition. Immediately, I chilling through ran down my body . . . “I’m the only lucky one here. Everyone else here is so much more prepared than me. I hope no one discoverers how dumb I am. Oh well, you’re probably going to fail out soon anyway.”
Another first day. This time it was my first day on the job as a brand new grad nurse in the Neuro ICU of a large Trauma I hospital in Downtown Dallas.
The room was packed with fresh nurses. Again, I arrived an found an empty chair. Before I could even open the “Orientation Pamphlet” the same thought entered my mind . . . “Keep your head up. Smile. No one will realize that you are the lucky one. Somehow your application fell through the cracks. All these other new nurses probably went to better schools, did better internships, and will survive nursing orientation better than you. “
I sat my wife down and told her I wanted to start a website called NRSNG.com. On the site I was going to post “study aids for nursing students” because “I felt like I was jipped during my nursing school experience, and I want to help other future nurses have a better experience than I did”.
She said, “Wow, that’s a great idea!”
Aaaaand . . . there came that voice . . . “Are you crazy?!?!? Who is going to want to listen to you? What have you got to share that will help other students? People are going to trash you online and tear you apart. They are gonna know that you are a terrible nurse and teacher”.
7:15pm. My ICU manager pulls me aside. “Jon, we’re going to start training you to be a charge nurse.”
After the initial shock wore off, you guessed it, the same thoughts came into my mind. . . “Why would the nurses listen to you? You aren’t prepared to lead the unit. Somehow, Judy (my manager), doesn’t realize how mediocre of a nurse you are. She will certainly regret her decision to make you a charge nurse after you run the unit into the ground”.
Full disclosure . . . I want to tell you guys about a “problem” I struggle with. I’ve always struggled with this as long as I can remember. It’s something called Impostor Syndrome . . . what’s that?
Impostor syndrome is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. . . Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. Some studies suggest that impostor syndrome is particularly common among high-achieving women. –Source
Essentially, despite achieving great things, despite praise and compliments, despite external accolades . . . . you:
There are a few interesting elements to impostor syndrome that I think apply to nursing students and nurses:
I think as nurses are prone to impostor syndrome. First of all, as we are starting out in a nursing program we are surrounded by other brilliant individuals who are all driven, dedicated, and intelligent. Secondly, in many instances, we are faking it. When we go to clinical we are “playing nurse”, trying to provide holistic care to our patients with very little knowledge base . . . it’s tough!
With that said, I think it’s equally important that you learn to recognize this syndrome in yourself and discover how you can root it out and move THROUGH the feelings of unworthiness and doubt.
Through the 4 examples I mention above, I KEPT GOING. I didn’t allow those moments of doubt to stop me. These feelings of doubt and inadequacy creep in all the time as I lead the team at NRSNG.com. Some days I’m confident as hell. Other days, I’m scared as hell.
As nurses, our primary goal is to provide the best possible care for our patients. While caring for another human being is intimidating, feeling worthless and doubting yourself does NO good for the patient.
If as you are reading this you are thinking, “Hey, that sounds like me”, you might have impostor syndrome. Here are a few other ways to identify it in yourself.
It’s important that you learn to not only recognize but overcome impostor syndrome when it bears its head. Doing so will allow you to:
Here are a few tips to help you overcome:
If you feel like an impostor . . . you’re not alone. Most of us are terrified to admit it. Doing so just proves we are fakes. My point is, rather than giving in to the toxic rhetoric nursing admins love to share on the first day of school (look to your left, look to your right. One of those nursing students will fail out), I want to reword it a bit . . . :
“Look to your left, look to your right. Chances are both of those nursing students are scared as shit and feel like they are gonna fail out too. “
You’re not alone! We are here for you. I know how terrifying it can feel to think you are a fake. Be a bit easier on yourself this week!